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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28463961">The Roommate’s Anathema</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/gettingby/pseuds/gettingby'>gettingby</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, M/M, Sex related Injuries, Watford Eighth Year</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-11 00:14:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,270</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28463961</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/gettingby/pseuds/gettingby</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“The founders of Watford were quite heteronormative, unfortunately. The spells that created the Roommate’s Anathema were not designed to understand pain that is inflicted in...other contexts.”</p>
<p>In which Simon and Baz are a little too enthusiastic, and then a little bit expelled.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>206</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Roommate’s Anathema</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is pure crack. Please be warned that there is some reference to sex-related accidental injury to genitals.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Choke me,” Baz says, and when I don’t react (because I’m getting fucked brilliantly and I don’t have much brainpower left over), he grabs my hand and puts it on his throat. He moans and thrusts into me hard, and I tilt my hips even farther upwards because I need more. I’ve had a shit day; I found out that I have to remediate my Greek midterm, and the Mage yelled at me for no reason. All I want is to get pounded into Baz’s twin bed until I can’t feel anything except pure bliss.</p>
<p>“Squeeze harder,” Baz growls, and I flex my hand against his neck. I’d never do this to a person unless I wanted to knock them out, but Baz is a vampire. He can take it. (He can take...a lot. And I’m eager to learn more about that.)</p>
<p>“Yes,” he says, throwing his hair back and hooking his arms under my legs. He lifts up my entire lower half, and I gasp at the change in angle and lean up to kiss him roughly.</p>
<p>Until Baz and I started dating two weeks ago, I didn’t really know anything about sex. Let alone gay sex. But Baz is some kind of savant - he knows the right names and the proper techniques for everything even though he’s never done any of it. (Cause he’s thought about it a lot, which is hot as fuck. He’s thought about <i>me</i>.) </p>
<p>He’s really pounding into me now, with this kind of terrifying speed and strength that’s not quite human. I’m glad I never proved that Baz was a vampire, because I wouldn’t have gotten to experience being shagged by one.</p>
<p>When he pulls away from our kiss, there’s a string of spit between us. “Ride me,” he growls, and I can’t scramble on top of him fast enough.</p>
<p>I turn so my back’s to him and sink down onto his cock so fast that he gasps a bit. And then I set up a punishing pace, until Baz is writhing and moaning beneath me. It’s good, and he likes it, so I let myself drop harder and harder. And then I lean forward, and gasp because that angle is perfect. I buck my hips forwards, quick and hard, and then three things happen:</p>
<p>I feel an intense, nauseating pain my crotch. I hear Baz shout, “FUCK!” And I find myself fully nude, still on top of Baz, outside the Watford gates.</p>
<p>I leap off and roll onto my side. “Fucking hell, Baz. You kneed me in the bollocks,” I manage to choke out. Baz doesn’t reply, so I look at him. His face is white- whiter than usual, and he’s looking at his dick with horror.</p>
<p>I stare too. And then I tilt my head. It’s a bit crooked, innit?</p>
<p>“Snow, you broke my fucking dick,” Baz says, and I groan. Baz feels around, then says, “Seven snakes, where’s my wand?”</p>
<p>“Back in Mummers, I reckon,” I say.</p>
<p>“I need to set this break before I end up permanently disfigured by your excessive use of force. <i>Again</i>.” He points at his nose.</p>
<p>“Maybe if I kind of - hold it in place?” I say, reaching towards his penis. He hisses at me - fangs and all - and slaps my hand away.</p>
<p>And then he looks behind me, and his face freezes in terror. He’s barely got time to twist himself up in a way that hides all his private bits before Miss Possibelf reaches us.</p>
<p>I don’t even bother hiding my bits. I’m too horrified.</p>
<p>“Mister Snow, Mister Pitch, I have to say that I’m very disappointed in you both,” Miss Possibelf chides. “To trigger the Anathema, with only two months left until graduation? I thought the two of you had matured beyond that.”</p>
<p>“The Anathema?” I reply. “But we…”</p>
<p>“We’re locked out of Watford, forever?” Baz says, his voice getting panicky. </p>
<p>Miss Possibelf shakes her head, her long silver hair swaying. “The Roommate’s Anathema is not a joke.”</p>
<p>She sighs and spells away our injuries. (I try not to look at it too obviously, but I think Baz’s dick has recovered.) Then, she does another spell that covers the both of us with blankets. “The two of you will have to sleep in the barn tonight,” she says. “In the morning, I will see what we can try to do about your expulsion.”</p>
<p>Baz wraps his blanket tightly around himself, as do I, and we shuffle miserably towards Ebb’s house. Well, I more like waddle. Despite the spells, I’m still reeling from that hit to my bollocks.</p>
<p>We’ve scarcely made it a quarter of the way down the path when a flash of light and smoke appears in front of us. I jump, letting my blanket drop from around my shoulders, and start calling the Sword of Mages. But when the smoke clears, it’s just Ebb.</p>
<p>“I felt the Anathema’s magic,” she says, and looks at us sadly. “I really hoped - wait, Simon, are you starkers?”</p>
<p>I swallow. “Er. Yeah.”</p>
<p>“And you, Basil?” </p>
<p>He nods, as Miss Possibelf clucks disapprovingly. “Indeed. As if it weren’t dishonorable enough to attack one’s opponent in the safety of his bedroom, they happened to fight in the nude!”</p>
<p>Ebb ignores her, instead tipping her head to the side.</p>
<p>“Did ya get that bruise in the fight, too, Mr. Pitch?” She says. She points at his neck, which is a bit pink in the shape of my hand, right where I’d been choking him not half an hour ago. Miss Possibelf tuts disapprovingly, and Ebb sighs.</p>
<p>“Go back to bed, Patricia. I can handle this.”</p>
<p>Ebb magicks us back to her shack, and makes some hot tea which I sip gratefully. I am quite literally freezing my bollocks off right now.</p>
<p>She sits down across from us once we’re all settled and asks, “So how long have you two been dating?”</p>
<p>“Two weeks,” Baz answers, as I’m still sputtering in shock at the question. Ebb nods like this isn’t surprising news at all.</p>
<p>“Why did we get kicked of school?” I ask. “I mean, we weren’t - we weren’t fighting…” The tips of my ears turn pink, and I can’t go on.</p>
<p>“Well,” Ebb explains, “The founders of Watford were quite heteronormative, unfortunately. The spells that created the Roommate’s Anathema were not designed to understand pain that is inflicted in...other contexts.”</p>
<p>“But magic is about intention,” Baz argues. “We weren’t intending to harm one another.”</p>
<p>“The spell has trouble distinguishing between the passion of battle and that of lust,” Ebb replies. “But the good news is that you two aren’t the first students to find yourselves in this mess.” She takes out her staff and closes her eyes. </p>
<p><b>”Too wise to woo peacefully,”</b> she casts. I smell the warm, earthy scent of Ebb’s magic, and feel a warmth that disappates quickly.</p>
<p>Baz raises an eyebrow. “<i>Much Ado About Nothing</i>.”</p>
<p>“Mhmm. Now, I’m going to spell the drawbridge down for you lads. You should be alright,” Ebb says.</p>
<p>“Thank you, Ebb. I have no idea how you knew what to do, but I’m so glad that you did,” I say.</p>
<p>“Oh, well, we’re not so different,” she replies. “I learned that spell from Baz’s mother.” </p>
<p>Baz freezes and looks at Ebb closely as she dabs tears from her eyes.</p>
<p>“From my mother?” he repeats back.</p>
<p>“Yes. Well, Mistress Pitch wasn’t going to let her own sister be expelled from Watford, was she?”</p>
<p>“You mean his aunt Fiona...did...this?” I sputter.</p>
<p>“Weren’t <i>you</i> her roommate?” Baz adds, voice strained.</p>
<p>Ebb smiles knowingly, and leaves it at that.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>say hi on <a href="%E2%80%9Cim-gettingby.tumblr.com%E2%80%9D">tumblr</a>!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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